i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
