Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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