Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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