dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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