No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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