We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
