How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
