I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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