ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
