In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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