Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He felt like a one man threesome
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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