he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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