Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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