I accidentally had phone sex last night
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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