I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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