I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
