No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
