I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You dont lie about slip and slides
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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