My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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