apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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