i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
