Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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