Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
