So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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