i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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