You're my little dorito
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
