You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
