Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize