you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
