i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
