Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
