I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
