I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You made out with two different species that night
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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