Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
