You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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