i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
