census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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