I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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