I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize