mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
