The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
