I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
