My nipple is on Facebook.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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