Soap is not a condiment
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
