Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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