I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just cropdusted the office
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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