I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
