I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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