I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
