I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
