He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
