I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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