There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
