I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
