I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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