Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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