Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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