Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
