Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
