So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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