if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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